This is a picture of my friend, Ben's great grandmother. He sent it to me earlier today and I thought it was such a great image. I adore old photographs. He says this picture is about 100 years old. Look at those clothes. She looks so dainty and elegant, and it looks like she may be holding a camera. I can't tell. But yea, thanks Ben for the lovely photo!

I've been updating more frequently now. I don't think anyone still reads this really, but that's okay. I've started writing a short story, i'm saying short because i don't think it'll expand more than 50 pages or so. That's not really novel material. I'm just doing a roughdraft mostly. I'd like to tell you about it, I'm really into it and I keep getting more ideas for it! Reasons why I don't dislike my job, it gives me plenty of time to think. That can be a bad thing, but most of the time it's good, because lately I keep thinking of more ideas for this story. I'll write another entry very soon telling more details about it. I'm going to write more tonight after work. Unless I go to the Pixies show! :D Damien and Jill know someone that may have an extra ticket. They sent me his/her information and they want me to call/text, I'll probably text... thing is it could be gone now. I got the information too late. I'm going to try anyway, but I have a feeling it'll be a no go.
My friend is having a party tomorrow night for his birthday. I have to think of something to make him. I was thinking cookies! Maybe cupcakes. I'm going to browse the "cute cupcake books" at borders today! There was one called Creepy Cute. I just like the name, creepy cute. I'm sure as this day progresses I'll be more awake. Hopefully work won't SUCK.
BYE

figured i'd share this anyway. there are some twisted, dull, selfish, fucked up individuals lurking in this world. and i need to avoid these people STARTING NOW.

i woke up to sad news this morning. my grandma passed away early this morning. i'm relieved that this is all over. cancer is a horrible thing. and it's horrible what people go through. the last time i saw her was two weeks ago and it was so hard to look at her. i wanted to talk to her but i couldn't. it saddens me that she had to die this way but it could of been worse. i found out this morning... i'm taking it in right now and its hard. i love that woman so much she was a huge part of my life. it's just sad that she's gone. she was always very funny, caring, one of the most loving people i've ever known. life keeps going on. one of the things she told me before she passed away was "life is short. try not to worry and just enjoy it." clearly that's all i do! but in a sense it's motivating. she'll always have a huge place in my heart. i'll never forget you grandma.

I hate to say it. I'm tired of feeling miserable. Today was one of the hardest days I went through in a long time. My grandma is in a completely horrid state right now. It's sickening to even see her this way. I never want to see someone suffer like this. She was always a plump, spunky italian lady! And now she's skin and bones, weak, and continues getting weaker every day. Naturally she's extremely depressed. She's taking two zanax a day. I may of spelled that pill wrong, but it's an antidepressant. She keeps saying "I just want this over with. I just want to close my eyes and just be done with it." And when you're suffering so much i can see why one would say it. I feel so emotional right now. As soon as I walked in the room I wanted to cry. If someone started crying I would of exploded with tears... I'm actually crying as I type this. It's so hard to just see her this way. I walked around her house a bit too and it was so difficult. All these memories, all her cute knick knacks, the christmas parties. I know these memories are sacred and I'm so happy to cherish them. I always will too. It just frazzled me that I found it hard to even look at her without tearing up... I couldn't even talk. I know that one day we'll be together again. Life is so short and so precious. I'm thankful for the times I had with her growing up and to this very day. I have so many memories that I'll always keep with me forever. I love her dearly and I know that there will never be another person as fantastic as her. She's the greatest.

i really like lily allen! she's got that english swagger goin' i totally dig it.

as if this week can't get any worse. we may of lost out on that apartment. i'm going to say there's a 30% chance we can still get it. we'll just have to look at some place else. it's a real drag though, because it was perfect! there was a skyline view of downtown, it was so pretty. and the bathroom was gorgeous! ha. it just sucks. basically the landlord got our information and another group of people want it too. so he wants us to "bid" for it. Make the best offer. The apartment was listed as 1150/mo. I don't want to bargain with anyone, the most i said is 1200 but that's it. If the other people want to pay more they can have it. it just makes me mad, we keep missing out on these places over something so stupid and unfair! life is just unfair arggh! And it's like "I have the money to make the deposit! HURRY UP BEFORE I SPEND IT ALL! AAHHH!"
I was bummed out more last night. but i realized whatever happens we'll figure it out. it just wasn't meant to be i guess. It was just typical news for a very bad week. I also declare this week has been the worse public transit week. Almost every person I've sat next too, or between on the bus/el have been weird or obnoxious. I usually avoid the obnoxious types but they were really irritating me this week. Girls that just talk loudly and are so abrasive... weird men that are starting at me, homeless woman calling me a "little bitch," and weird lady squirming like mad in her seat next to me. I eventually moved away from her and she did not call me a racist or a "little bitch" in the process so that was a relief.

put in application for apartment yesterday. keeping fingers crossed that we get it. hopefully my credit isn't too jacked up! : /
seeing a few bands at the empty bottle tonight with Chris. The band sounds good. There's another band playing too called Panda Riot that Chris describes as "dream pop." Ha! what the hell is dream pop. i love all these random music sub genres.

It's been a rather gloomy week. My grandma is really sick. She's been told any day now, or few weeks. It just came out of nowhere, it's really devastating. I can't say bye to her. I just want her to know that I love her so much, and she was and always will be a big part of my life. I have so much respect for that woman, she's so strong, funny, caring, and the best cook in the world! She recently got diagnosed with lung cancer, and she's been getting weaker as days progress, and just overall depressed. It's hard to see her get upset, and to hear her say "I don't want to die yet..." I didn't expect this to happen right now. I've been trying to see her as much as I can.

One of my favorite managers at work got fired yesterday. That's going to fuck us up A LOT.
My friend, Chris, recently moved to Chicago. This would fall in the "good" category.
Soon we will be living above ground in NuHipsterville. Believe it or not, this is a good thing. Closer to the empty bottle (yay), and across the street from the darkroom! That means i'll be just a hop, skip, snapping fingers, twirl and spin away from britpop dance beats! lots of hot lookin' lads in the area too! hehehe!

I also bought a bottle of Effen blackcherry vodka. It was on sale for $25, which is pretty good for a premium beverage. I'm about to mix it with some cherry coke. Shall be pretty tasty in a @_@ kind of way.
I just feel a bit stressed, irritated, sad... and all i want to do is have a drink, clean my room and listen to music. Just sort of think about things. let everything sink in.

I'm about to make a dash out to the wonderful world of britpop beats and fancy lad dance-offs. Well, I'm going to Panic @ the darkroom... with some lads. This just dawned on me however. I invited some friends to tag along and I realized that I have really no female friends. I'm going to be surrounded by fellas! ha! but this happens often. i have jessica, lindsay and my sister. i don't really hang out with my sister, and lindsay is such a busy bee yet i phone her anyway. jessica is at work. i don't know if she'll go out but im going to call her anyway. i was going through my phone and i was like "that's it. those are the only chicks i really can get down with." and yes i did say that term in my head.
i guess its okay that my friends consist of straight, perhaps some bi men who like to dance their behinds off to erasure and 80s beats.
a bit charming in an awkward way.

Well, I am no longer miserable and depressed about Eric. We are friends and we've been talking on a regular basis since he departed. That makes me as happy as can be. I'm thinking of going to California after Christmas. And then a few friends are talking about going to Amsterdam in January. Holy cats. Will this actually happen? I'm sitting in a good spot financially, so things are looking up in that department. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. It's pleasant though.
Last night I hung out with my friend Juan and we got really stoned and drank very good english ale. A few of his friends were there and we all had very intellectual conversations about philosophy, the fear of confrontation, and dreams and their meanings (thanks, pot!).
I just left a message for this bill collector. She charged my twice, the bitch. She said it'd be fixed in one business day, which then would of been yesterday. I just left her a message in her office. I'm irritated. This kind of thing is no fun when it happens. It's bullshit really. What if I didn't have that much money in my bank account! That would of sucked if I got overdrawn on accident. Anyhow, I hope that gets fixed. And I also hope I get a new job. I'm so picky though. All these jobs that are available look horrible. I just want to work in a peaceful, relaxed environment, where I get paid decently to do whatever it is I'm suppose to be doing, and my coworkers aren't complete nitwits. I don't want to work in a high paced environment, have three asshole bosses, and get paid shit for it.
Well I'm going to wander to walgreens and get some sweet stuff. Cereal. YUM!
And hopefully that jerk will call me back!
GRRR!

When else do i write in here? only when i'm so depressed. I'm not THAT depressed. Nothing that a few days can't fix. This has been such a great week. It's so depressing that is had to end and we all have to go back to our miserable shit hole lives. my friend, Eric, came into town from California. We had so much fun. It was devastating when he left. i wish he lived here, or i lived by him. it makes me sad that distance keeps us apart. i'll see him again. he wants jessica and i to come out in the winter. the three of us get along so well... he loved meeting my friends, and he told them all that he wants to live here. :D
i can't even sleep because i miss him so much. i knew this would happen. : (
i want to feel good again, and stop feeling this sadness. having him near me felt so good. just to touch him and hold him... ugh

FUCK! I hate this.
well it's time to move on i guess. what else can you do? i need to start focusing on other things. work, saving money, etc. i'm really proud that i paid off my credit card. that was a big accomplishment. I'm caught up with my bill paying. hurray. i just want a boyfriend. i can't believe im saying this. i usually think relationships are so stupid and never work out. just always lead to pain, but the idea of having a male companion seems so appealing. im just sick of feeling alone. my last relationship was such a piece of shit. i'd like to just erase it completely and move onward with my life. I've been single for over a year. and i wouldn't mind having sex... that'd be a perk as well.
well there's always masturbation...

i guess it's time to stop moping at this point. im going to attempt sleep again. i work tomorrow morning... 9am. I might go to my friend's birthday party, so that'll be cool. i also have an eye exam tomorrow after work. that'll be... depressing. monday i work but after, jeff wants me to meet his brother who is in town that day. a few things to force myself to do so i wont drown in my own tears.

I'm so pissed off right now. I've been wanting this weird feeling to go away for a week now! I've been a victim of fraud!!!! This is terribly stressful and making me feel extremely violated. I won't go into the details because it's too personal, too much to rant about, and it'll just upset me even more. I am considering taking legal action. I never got so mad at someone the way i did today. Can i get in trouble for threatening to kill someone over the phone?!?! I dropped the F word plenty of times - at first said "leave me alone." that wasn't enough. I'm contacting my friend, Craig about this insanity and seeing what he has to say (he just graduated law school, hopefully he'll have good advice). I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure how to exactly report this, but I'm going to find out. They want to fax me something to my work and technically that's illegal. It's harassment, and it's illegal for a debt collector to contact you at the workplace, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ASKED THEM NOT TO. Apparently they won't take no for an answer and will find a way to embarrass and threaten you. Yes, this is bogus debt collector! not like my credit is superb or anything, but I'm well aware of my debts that i do have, and i know that this is BULLSHIT. I've done my internet research on the number, the name, the company (which doesn't fucking exist)...
I know I should probably just ignore these assholes but harassing me through work? fuck you. I'm not taking harassment even without work involved. I'm done with these assholes and I'm preparing to sue.
My irish blood went mad earlier... I was so upset.
::big angry sigh::

I know it's bullshit, fine. but it upsets you. the thought as to how someone got my information, phone #... it's scary. How did this happen? You get this sickening feeling almost as if you are being watched. It's very horrifying and makes my tummy spin in circles. @_@
And I'm feeling prone to fight! even though I know that's probably not the best idea, but if I can get some good solid legal advice, look into reporting these fuckwads I'll feel a lot better.

Ok I'm going to try and relax. I just grew a pimple from all of this! I'm surprised a blood vessel in my eye didn't erupt.
I wish I had a bathtub with scented bubbles, candles, dimmed lighting! MAYBE CHAMPAGNE! FUCK! I could use a champagne bath!

it's been a bad week or so. not so much emotionally but just lots of unexpected things kept popping up. It was just one grown-up issue after another. I'm not cut out for being an adult. it's too much work. I'm often surprised that i've made it this far on my own. luckily i have this day off, so I'm just taking it easy for the most part. probably clean my apartment a bit, look at computer stuff online. I'm thinking about upgrading my software... and i need to get a new keyboard. let's just say a trip to Fry's or the Apple store is going to take place relatively soon.
i know i haven't updated this in a long while. i was in ireland about a month ago, which was a lot of fun. my friends jessica and damien came with and we all had a good time. the only thing that sucked was that i got sick while i was there. i had an eye and throat infection! i was unable to go to Paris, which was very upsetting. i did get to see an irish doctor and he gave me some wicked painkillers and now I'm addicted to them. : (
i met andy rourke of the smiths few weeks ago, that was cool! i got to shake his hand, tell him i was a big fan, and have my photo taken with him. haha! i've been listening to a lot of obscure new wave and 90's space rock lately. Into the bands Hum, Failure, Comsat Angels, Mumps, Built to Spill (pitchfork has influenced this a bit).
My friend, Eric, is coming into town in less than two weeks! He'll be here for a few days. I'm really excited. we're going to have a lot of fun. I haven't seen him in over four years. this man is an important person... and this might be too much info but i am really bummed that i'll have my period when he's here. I KNOW I WILL (because it's always on time) IT SUCKS. I can't get laid i swear... just my fucking luck.
according to my calculations it'll begin the day he gets here. oh well, there's more to life than fucking. i'll show him around chicago. well, i was going to do that anyway!
Other than that, my friend Chris plans on moving to Chicago when our lease ends. New apartment in the fall. Hurray.
This weekend is my dad's 50th birthday party, and my friend Howard is turning 40. He's having a party too!
I'll update this thing later.

Not too long ago I found these clip on sunglasses on the floor at work. We kept them in lost and found for a few days day but no one claimed them. I ended up taking them to see if I could make these fellas work. AND THEY DO!


me being too cool
maybe? yea i know.

but they're flippin sweet! i want to get lasik surgery. i'm sick of being blind.
i'm going to be working at a different store soon. on the southside somewhere, and I know NOTHING about that area. However I've been told there is a rad pizza place over there.
I'll have to start investing money into bus passes and all this shite.

the past few months have been misery for me, but I am now learning that everything eventually turns out to be okay in the end. i have a few things to look forward to. I'm looking forward to going to Ireland in a few weeks. I'm actually looking forward to spending time with my family, celebrating my grandma's 80th birthday ... I'm also looking forward to the fact that Jessica and Damien are coming along! Then when i return, I'll have Eric's visit to look forward to as well! I'm really excited about that. I haven't seen him in so long. It'll be so sad when he has to leave...the man should just move here, so we can... hm hang out more. yea.
It's so goddamn early right now. Don't want to go to work. I;d be in bed still... probably till 11! I don't want to hang out at work today with all the whiny customers and irritating bitchy women.
the men can be bitchy too. i don't understand why people get so worked up at stores. if they don't get a discount so they can save $2 it's the end of the world. Most people tend to be cool though but those bad seeds happen often and it can really get under your skin. Maybe on my last day I'll fulfill my dream of punching someone in the face. I gotta practice so I won't break my hand.
UGH I have to leave so soon. shit - i might be late. OK. I'll try and post more later on.

The Alchemist

Last night Jessica, Joe Murphy, & I watched Jodorowsky's The Holy Mountain. What follows is a description of the filming of one of the scenes.


Our Lady of Montserrat, Mexico Cityt

Down at the other end, a brass bed lay half buried in the earth floor, a live owl sitting at its head. A nearly naked young actor, Horacio Salinas, "Lacho," was crawling across the floor dragging a life sized plaster Jesus which he placed upon the altar. The image had his face and body. He crawled back to the bed, slowly pulled back the cover, revealing a gray old man in black bishop's miter and habit sleeping in the arms of another life-sized plaster Jesus.

The bishop woke angrily, shouting in Spanish, "It is not your Christ!" It is my Christ!" Wheezing heavily he got up, pulled the Jesus from the altar and replaced it with his own. Suddenly a man in a brown business suit appeared in the center of the room, arguing furiously in Spanish. He looked like a military of officer in civilian clothing. "Stop!" he yelled. "You are making a black mass! This is the Devil's work, blasphemy and filth! I will not let you hippies and homosexuals desecrate this holy site one moment longer! Stop or I will kill you!" It was the President of the Society of Charros, a group of wealthy tradition-minded gentlemen who own the church. They had unwittingly leased Our Lady of Montserrat to Producciones Zohar, for one day's shooting of The Holy Mountain. Great outraged eloquence in rapid Spanish spat back and forth between Jodorowsky and the charro. The director exploded The charro collapsed. Business managers and friends offered soothing words. The captain of police assigned to the production, as elegantly polished and handsome as an officer on the cover of a Spanish novel, smoked a cigarette with no particular expression and whispered to the charro, who then angrily left.
-J. Siegel


The Written Woman

More screenshots here...

We just passed an $800 billion dollar stimulus package. Add it to the the financial and automotive bailouts and we're talking about several trillion dollars. All of this money must be borrowed, but who is lending? Does the rest of the world - also in an economic tailspin - actually have a few trillion lying around, or is this a classic case of printing money?

Or is the question itself naive?